Into The Deep

~This post is connected to the one before it, so it might make sense to read both~

I have been challenged by God this summer to take a different look at Him as Healer. I haven't ever not thought that God could heal, I just hadn't applied it fully personally. God is miraculous. I read over and over the history of His healing many. I sing a song from church with The Prairie Kid often..."He is able. He is able. I know He is able. I know my God is able to carry me through. He heals the broken hearted and He sets the captives free. He makes the lame to walk again and He can cause the blind to see." I believe this. I have a friend who was recently healed by God on a Sunday morning at the altar of an ailment she had suffered from for a long time. I believe God can heal in the blink of an eye, through prayers and laying on of hands, through the wisdom and grace He gives medical professionals, or many other means. God can heal whenever, however. He is God. He doesn't fit in a box that says "This is God's healing formula."

One thing I haven't done is really press into His healing for me. He blessed me with a baby the doctors questioned I could ever have. I didn't think I deserved healing. Who am I to ask for more? And the truth is I don't deserve healing. None of us do. None of us deserve anything good from God. How sad that there are many out there that really believe they can "be good enough" or "try hard enough" to earn God's love. It is by His great, great mercy, love and grace that we can receive good gifts from the God of the universe. He has already purchased these gifts...forgiveness, life, healing, redemption, eternity...all we have to do is receive them. When I realized in a new way that Isaiah proclaims "He took up my infirmities on the cross" and "by His wounds I am healed" I realized that I just needed to receive what was already accomplished. He had already purchased healing for me...had I accepted this gift?

As I spent time this summer looking into this and seeking His truth I had much conviction over my sinful choices and my continual need to crawl back to the cross and ask to be forgiven for my transgressions. I grieved the mess I make in my relationship with Jesus day after day. I cried in sorrow that I would never not have to come back and apologize. I realized that He would never have to apologize to me and I would never stop apologizing to Him. But then He spoke to me. He comforted me with words that He loves me anyway. He delights in my anyway. He already knows what offenses I will bring to the relationship. He told me that if I didn't mess up then I wouldn't be able to grow and that it is awesome that we have the opportunity to grow! He told me that He will never tire of me or my offenses. I experienced such awe again peering into the eyes of Jesus...His love is amazing.

Through pressing into these truths I found a place deep within my being crying out "search my heart, O God. I want nothing between us! I want nothing hindering my relationship with you! I want nothing displeasing to remain!" And I felt that I could not ask to receive His gift of healing until I was willing to walk out in obedience the process of facing the darkness in my life. And so the process started.

I had more unforgiveness in my heart than I wanted to admit. I have held things in my heart against others. Sinned in gossip and self-preservation. There was a giant root of pride in need of being uncovered and severed. This wasn't a job for pruning shears...this was a job for a God-sized chain saw. As these things were brought up and revealed in me I was sick to my stomach and felt like a worm crawling on my belly on the ground. I felt humiliated and wretched. I have a totally new perspective of brokenness. I believe God allowed my physical sickness to parallel my spiritual walk. If I hadn't been on my face physically would I have cried out in this way? Would I have realized that there were things to deal with? Would I have been as willing to walk in obedience? Only God knows. And He knows what is best for me.

I asked God to guide my steps. I had many apologies to make. I tearfully and embarrassingly crossed each thing off my list as I pressed toward obedience. I discovered some interesting things during the process and found freedom and restoration at the other end. I knew that as I finished the grueling tasks laid before me there would be a fantastic testimony at the other end. Each day was a tough day though, coming back to the Lord in my quiet times and "fearfully" asking "what else? What else do I need to deal with? What's next?" And I would sigh as I wrote down what He gave me and think, "wow...yep. I forgot about that." I was also wondering "will it ever end? How much more is there?"

Eventually I felt like we were nearing the end. And then God became quiet. I knew that I could then feel free to ask to receive the healing for my body. It didn't proceed as I expected but then again, we have a mysterious God. His ways are not my ways. And through His way of using the naturopath I believe I am being healed. Amen.