Thursday, November 5, 2009

Is This Helmet Too Big On Me?

Life is a battle lately. Every day, every night may bring something different. It is a roller coaster and a waiting game. I have "good" days and bad days. I am learning by trial and error how to better prevent the bad nights which prevent bad days. But some of the battle lies within my head. I am struggling to find myself content or accepting this current situation in my life without resistance. I feel like I am "over it," "done with it" and I am ready to move on. I am frustrated, weary, and at times down right mad. I know there is more purpose in this then I am currently aware of but that in itself isn't making the process easier. I usually can focus on that "future purpose" in trials and buckle down and "get 'er done" and come out having learned much. I don't feel that way these days. I felt like I learned a lot in August and had some great "heart work" done, but now its just a waiting game and I don't see the end in sight.

I had a rough week last week. Ended up at the urgent care clinic, had tests done, found out more about symptoms but no root cause. The Prairie Daddy and I, as well as both of my alternative practitioners, truly think there is an underlying kidney infection that hasn't been pinpointed. I am hoping and hoping that soon someone can figure that out. Meanwhile I have recognized more sensitivities to food in my body and have had to take myself off even more than what I was originally taken off of. It seems pretty pathetic that one of my biggest "treats" is gluten-free oatmeal with blueberries. I don't even like oatmeal.

When I can push aside my temporal, fleshly view and lift my eyes unto the mountains, I know where my Help comes from. I believe this is a season. I believe there will be purpose in it. I just cry out "bring Yourself glory, o Lord. I am willing." I look forward to the time when I am writing about the victory.


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Amanda said...

I wish there was something
i could do for you other than to pray. "This too shall pass". hang in there.

Prairie Mama said...

Your prayers mean much to me. : )

Beck said...

Crying out for God's glory in the midst of suffering is the victory! A heart yielded and laid down on the altar is a beautiful thing. I'm praying for the power you need to stay on your altar as I pray for power to stay on mine!